Sshhh

I MOVED TO

2008-04-01T03:50:00.001+11:00

http://ewan.sunsetkitsch.net
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^see me there.

2008-03-28T21:42:00.001+11:00

what’s complicated and why does it hurt?
-it’s when you don’t know where you stand in a person’s life. It’s when you’re hanging in dead air and knowing you can be thrown off anytime. It’s when you’re like more than friends but not really. And when it’s like you’re lovers when it’s really otherwise.

Teardrops on my guitar.

2008-03-28T01:39:00.002+11:00

oh yes, i know how to play guitar. When i was little bit younger, the first chord i ever learned was the C chord. but enough of that.

I was in a very sentimental mode right now and all i want is to let out my emotions to make myself on the mood for writing, then this song by Taylor Swift gave me a heartbreaking feeling.

and you know what's weird?

i wished i didn't listen to it after all, 'coz i didn't know it would hurt a lot when i suddenly remember everything.

TEARDROPS ON MY GUITAR -TAYLOR SWIFT

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see
That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she's got everything that I have to live without

Drew talks to me, I laugh cause it's so damn funny
That I can't even see anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right,
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night

[Chorus:]

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause

[Repeat Chorus]

So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into..

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see.

I guess it really helps me break my heart and on the mood to express it on a writing that the person i would want to read for will never ever have a glance on it.

It's Fenkk.

2008-03-27T14:01:00.003+11:00

I.don't.like.Pink.

The color of my mp3 is blue.
my bed is cream and red.
my bag is blue.
my blog's layout is blue-green.

but my earphones?

it's feennnkkk.

Source: photobucket
Item: Stereo Earphone of Creative Zen

i was looking for the other stereo earphones but they're too expensive. I chose the one above because of the coat it has. but tsk. it's still pink.

but oh well, it's still worth it for a price of 25 AU$.

My beautiful morning

2008-03-26T12:43:00.003+11:00

i thought this day would be a certified bum. Probably because i start the day listening to lips of an angel by hinder and i just let myself go sentimental again. I was still lying in my bed for like an hour when i decided to get up because of the doorbell. I just thought of my best friend when he told me that he'll give an easter egg but since he's grounded because of his report card, i expected that it would be some salesman. I came close to the door when i moved back again and storm through my room.

What the hell is he doing here?!?!?!?!

and no, not my best friend.

yii, i saw my craasssssssssssssssss.

he's standing right there at the door with a gray jumper and a maroon shirt underneath. He was saying sorry to my brother for being late. LMAO.

I calmed myself down and pretended that nothing's jumping inside me, i washed my face[which i wouldn't think is a problem right now] and passed him by. he was doing some game stuff in the computer. "yiii" i repeatedly thought. at first, i just saw his house yesterday and NOWWWWW, he's right there. weeeh. i could just look at him everytime but i didn't. i remained civilized[civilized?! lol]. I was sorting out the clothes when he approached me and asked for my brother. i couldn't say a word so i just pointed out the room.

Man. I love his voice.

lol. not that i'm crazy though, sometimes it takes a little crush to make you go laughing again.:p

That's why it's a beautiful morning.=)

Feelings? again?!

2008-03-24T20:05:00.002+11:00

I was about to post an entry filled with stories about what happened to me in past few days aside from my sleeping late events, but then someone im-ed me. It's enough to make me feel all this heart pumping. One message, and it's changing my whole life again. I don't know why. I can't feel this way anymore.

Of course, why would i?

I don't expect anything from him again. I mean, we're not really together...again. I'm proud to the highest level that i'm single and i'm enjoying it. I don't really mind if i don't have this thing called 'lovelife'. But then this...lol. What's up with his message anyway?

He called me by our endearment and told me that we'll talk tomorrow. He even said those 3 words.

I don't know to the others but it just made me go crazy inside. Mahirap iexplain. Kelangan pa bang iexplain?

May nararamdaman ka nanaman ulet Cha-cha.

Don't tell anyone i got a new layout.

2008-03-24T02:40:00.003+11:00

I'm kind of growing fond with the blue-green color for the past few days. It's light, it's cool in the eyes, and it feels...refreshing...like water. [lol] Other than that, the theme is so good since it's Pre-winter season.

I still got one itchy little problem: the counter stat.
there's some kind of a technical problem directly from the site itself. i tried to send a support question to the tech team to work out the problem. It might be working again later according to what i read on the forum, but it might not so i'm getting an advance step about it. if it didn't work out then i'll be going to another counter stat source.

In anyway, it's all good and i will post more tomorrow. I'm also gonna be working on my website in wordpress for the following days.

and now i can sleep for more hours. Lol.

Getting back

2008-03-23T02:59:00.002+11:00

I'm on my way on finishing the layout. I'm just gonna study some codes and probably it would be finish tomorrow. hayy, i just hoped so, i mean i really need to get back in business and edit my wordpress site, so far my host is thinking about buying a domain, and tends to give her old domain to someone. I volunteered. I don't know if she would give it to me but she would probably make a raffle out of it and i'll get my way into it if that happens. lol. Anyway, if it happens[which i don't really hope for], i might move there.

It's just a what-if anyway, lol.

I'll be back to tell you stories, just wait. ^___^

BUSY BEE LIST

2008-03-22T15:10:00.004+11:00

Here's a list of what should be done today:

*folding the clothes[they're all stuck up in my bed. hahaha]
*blog layoutSSS. [bebo, BLOGGER, wordpress]
*Laundry[actually, 3 batch of clothes to go]
*update Cattleya
*read updates in teentalk
*visit writing communities and 101suite
*do a draft for the competition entry
*watch the eye

*gulp*

goodluck for me.

Teentalk Blog Awards

2008-03-22T01:27:00.003+11:00

As you can see on the left side of my blog is a sticker that says it all.

Yes, i''ll be joining at the Teentalk blog awards.

lol. i don't really planned out to be there but one of the teentalkers i know just submitted a form with my url on it. It's not that i don't want to...but oh well, i might as well try.

BTW: i'll be changing layouts soon.

Nothing but updates. Lol.

2008-03-20T15:39:00.005+11:00

I got my report card.

And it sucks. really.

I was really happy with the fact that i got 4 Hs. but i can't understand why i got an 'S' in the participation section for Physical Education. Ok, i could be as lazy as i am because i hate to play in sports but blimey! That's what i really hate about participating when the teacher's not there, you gave all your efforts but it won't do anything, I probably should realize that i'll be getting a 'D' this semester.

But i'll try not to. He'll see.

On the other hand, i got 10 weeks from now to find a job for work experience week. I still don't know what field i'm likely to be interested in. My mom is suggesting me to apply for the job that my cousin once told us about. It was in a bank, and it's in the City. I don't know if i'll be getting this job but i'll see what the situation will be. I don't think being in an office is a better idea, but i have to try, maybe it's one thing i could only learn about.

~~OH CRAP.~~

i was about to say that i'll be going to join a Master Class in the holidays of Term 2 when i realized that i'm not gonna be here. I realized i'll be in Sydney that day. CRAP. CRAP.

Anyway,

Master Class is for those who would want to know what uni is like. I've been to Melbourne University once last year when i'm in Hope Program. Now, i'm doing it again to experience being in the lectures and what uni students usually do. I like the idea but....

is there any other way i could still go?! i mean...

there's a schedule on May.

GREAT. another anyway,

I decided to join the Writer's Wanted 2008 Competition. Lol. Just trying. winner or not, at least i tried. maybe now i could make use of my writing skills(if ever there really is a skill). I still got 8 days to make up a story, hopefully i might make it to the due date.

I put the information about this in my other blog, and yeah, the 'under construction' one. lol. I'm still working on it so that blog is plainly empty with words. haha

Woot. term 1 is finish and we had 2 weeks off. autumn is in the air and maths test is moved for the next term. LMAO.

But i'm too lazy to go out.

I'll watch the eye later. scares me a lot but i haven't watch a movie for like ages.

17th day.

2008-03-17T16:29:00.002+11:00

It's 17. A special day with no reason at all.

It's been way loonnggg time since i've spoken to a very special person in my life. Though thinking about that person is no longer a pain, i couldn't understand why i felt something at the 17th day of this month.

I don't miss him, really. There's just something unknown about this day. I actually didn't know it was 17 until i heard my friend in cooking class. In case you wanna know, 17 is me and my former's monthsary date.

i don't actually like the term 'ex' anyway.

'so today is 17'. that's what my mind kept on saying at the moment, i wasn't sure about what is up for today but i knew for a fact that this day is not a normal day like any other...

or maybe not?

maybe...

maybe i'm just used to celebrate a love that didn't even grew strong though i knew it's been 2 months since we've talked.

Cattleya is finally back.

2008-03-16T00:38:00.002+11:00

THE TITLE SAYS IT ALL,

I'M FINALLY BACK AT TEENTALK: CREATIVE CORNER.

I'm back on being a writer again. i actually planned to just update it in the end of term[which is on the 20th]. but then one of my readers talked to me on ym and changed my decision. lol. i don't know about what she said but it urge me to just do it. lol. I would like to give my deepest gratitude to mei or vmayvanez of Teentalk and also to roma or xinylove22 of teentalk and roma:] from lunatic for urging me to do the update again. Without them talking to me, i don't really know if i'll ever go updating again. lmao.

I actually got embarrassed with the number of people who had been asking me about my story, some people who i only met on either lunatic forum or chitchat had actually known me because they were silent readers of the story. waaaaaa. i can't help but to be flattered, shocked and be embarrassed. i thank you all.

To Check out my story, click here

i don't really know if anyone is still interested to read it but yeah, if ever one of you will had the time to read it, any decent comments are appreciated=).

Surviving 40 Degrees of weather and issues.

2008-03-14T22:03:00.004+11:00

MAINIT. SOBRANG MAINIT.

Nung umaga palang eh kahit mahangin, mainit pa den. nagsuot ako ng shorts na hanggang pantuhod at yung polo shirt ko na may school logo sabay pasok sa school. sana pala yung mejo maikling shorts nalang since ang init sa pakiramdam ng suot ko lalo na't black lang siya.

halo halo ang pakiramdam ko, naiinitan ako na kinakabahan at inaantok. lumalaki ang eye bags ko, at kelangan ko na talaga ng sapat na tulog. Gusto ko kasing tapusin yung whole chapter 1 sa math methods book para naman maabutan ko na si Ninh, hindi man lang nga ako makaabot sa exercise 1G eh yung mata ko'y kulang nalang eh lumuwa na sa tapat ng libro kaya tumayo na ako at binagsak ang sarili sa kama.

Andame dame kong dalang libro, dinala ko pa yung pagkakapal kapal na libro ng maths method para matuloy ko yung ginagawa ko sa sose since wala naman yung teacher. pero hindi na masyadong natuloy dahil yung sub namin eh pinagbasa kaming lahat. natatawa nga ako sa kanya eh, lol. panu ba naman, HOR001 ang username ng kaklase ko pero ang basa niya eh HORROR. LMAO. ewan ko ba sa kanya pero nung ako na yung pinabasa niya, pinatuloy niya pa ako sa pagbasa ng isa pang paragraph kasi maganda daw ang boses ko[hindi pa ako kumakanta ng lagay na yan, bwahahaha].

anyway, binalik ko yung math methods book kay sione since alam kong hihingin din niya yun later on kaya nagdecide ako na maghiram nalang kay Kevin. Buti nga pumayag at ipinahiram pa sa 'kin, isang malaking himala[gawin daw bang issue? lol]

Nakisama ako kina Ate Gen at sa mga year 11 na gumagawa ng work kaya dinala ko na yung math methods para makigaya sa kanila. lol. tumabi sa malapit sa 'kin si Sione at sahindi inaasahang pagkakataon eh kinausap niya ako.

Sione: Hi
Cha: Hi[nginitian ko lang siya tapos binaling ulit yung tingin sa ginagawa]
Sione: do you hate me?
Cha: no.
Sione: you hate me
Cha: i don't hate you.
Sione: why didn't you sit with me?[WTF.]
Cha: coz you might not want me to sit with you
Sione: no, you just hate me, you always sit in the middle and now you change. and Ninh hates me too, [to Ninh] your with Charity's side huh?
Ninh: what?!
Sione: yea you both hate me.
Charity: sione we don't hate you, it's just that you know, when we put you beside us you just walk away yesterday. that's why we thought you'll do the same so we didn't sit beside you.

And the next are blah blah. i know i know, a stupid conversation. that's how immature he could be, but one thing is surely something matured about him, hindi niya ako natiis:p. actually he never talked to anyone again lalo na't pag nakaaway niya, pero ako? lol. i think he now realized how much we've become mates since last year. =).

i cooked Hawaiian pizza in cooking class, weeeh. konti na nga lang ang ingredients ko eh antagal ko pang matapos, yung yeast kasi eh! walang nagsabi na hanggang 200ml lang pala, kalahating cup tuloy yung tubeg. rawr. ang kapal tuloy ng dough, niyahaha. pero masarap naman, lol. paglabas ko nga nakita si Sam at nanghihingi sa 'kin ng isa, nung di ako pumayag nanghingi nalang ng 30 cents, tama bang yakapin ako at bigatin ang sarili? ang kulet. tapos pati kapated ko niloloko din niya. rawrrr.

nung period 5 sa math, tinawag kami ng coordinator namin, akala ko tinawag niya ako dahel sa hindi ako nagattend ng klase, pero nung tinawag si ninh eh parang iba nga ang dahilan. kasi narinig ko na sinabi ni Rebekah na:

"oh you're moving them into smarter class then all of us will be dumb"

Lmao. whatever.

Magkakaron daw kami ng numeracy, pero instead na mag aral kami sa math na hindi namin kaya, extension daw ang pagaaralan namin since we're doing a good job and we keep our work up to date. tapos lumipat pa kami sa library. Pero natatawa talaga ako, 3 TYPES OF MATHS IN ONE CLASS? YOU KIDDING ME?! Math-methods, normal maths, and extension maths then i only had to do it every math class. Lol. self study mode na ang drama ko ngayon T_T

ako'y nanghihina na sa sobrang init at sa sobrang bigat ng dalahin ko. sobrang pawis ko nalang nung nakapasok ako sa library. nung period 6 na eh nakaabang na si Sione sa labas at sabay kaming pumunta sa t3 room. nangulit nanaman ang loko, tinatanong kung bakit daw binalik ko yung libro niya at hiniram yung kay kevin. buti nga at hindi na ako inasar na 'ooh, you like him, do you?', mejo binara ko na siya bago pa niya sabihin yun. parati nalang ganyan, inaasar ako kahit kanino, kesyo boyplen ko daw si ganito porket nginitian ko lang at pagkakalat na sa mga nadadaanan niya. Tss. LMFAO.

Umuwi ako ng sobrang pawis, at mas lalo akong napawisan nung nasa isang banyo ako. Instant Sauna na nga eh kasi sobrang pawis ko, ambaho ko na kaya naligo nalang ulet ako sa kabilang banyo. hindi mo kakayaning lumabas ulet ng bahay sa sobrang init dahil hindi ka pa nasisikatan ng araw eh pawisan ka na. mas matindi pa sa init sa pinas ang pakiramdam na to, may electric pan man eh hindi rin kakayanin. oo. ganito katindi.

eeek. INIT!!!!!!

Best of Mates

2008-03-13T15:36:00.003+11:00

"You were best mates right?"

yan ang sabi ng guro ko sa English nung pinuntahan namin siya ng kapatid ko nung uwian. Kinausap niya kasi kami ni Sione kanina tungkol sa isang issue.

Pero panu nga ba nangyari?

Simple lang, nasa Period 3 namin at may dinistribute na isang sheet tungkol sa isang research activity at essay topic na due pa naman next term. Kinausap ako ni Sione tungkol sa magggroup kami and all. pero hindi ako mejo nakikinig sa kanya dahil nagdidiscuss ang teacher, mejo naiistress na din ako nung oras na yun, sa totoo lang, ayoko kasi ng group task, pero nirereconsider ko din naman since natututo naman ang tao at hindi na siya tulad ng dati na ako nalang si lahat.

"well i think we could do that for ourselves"

tinuro ko sa kanya yung essay. Ewan ko ba pero hidni niya ata magetz yung I THINK, i meant na option lang yung sinabi ko, pero sabi ko naman na kung gusto niya ng group edi okay.

Pero nung nakita kong nagdrama siya sa 'kin. bigla akong nastress na at napapikit. pakiramdam ko tuloy yung eye bags ko eh namamaga. Hanggang sa narinig ko nalang sa kanya na ayaw ko na daw, bigla akong napressure. Kinausap ko siya at sinabi kong wala naman akong sinabing ayaw ko. Hanggang sa wala na. walang wala na. hiwalay na ang table namin.

Sa totoo lang, hindi naman magiging biggie sa 'kin yun. kaya lang kasi naririnig ko siya na pinaguusapan ako, hidni naman ako ganun kabingi para hindi yung marinig. at kung mali man ako, hindi ako lalapitan ni Ninh after ng klase namin para magtanong sa kung anong nangyari daw sa ming dalawa at ganun nga daw siya.

It kept me bothered, actually bigla akong nanghina at nalungkot, alam ko kasi na ang kasunod nun eh hindi na kami magpapansinan nanaman, ang alam ko naman eh hindi naman nagtatagal ang sama ng loob niya, pero kasi, hindi ko rin alam kung nag iba na ba siya since hindi na kami nagaaway magmula the end of last year.

Hindi niya ako pinapansin nung lunch, binuksan ko yung locker niya dahel nasa kanya yung lock ng kuya ko. tinatawag ko siya pero hindi niya ako pinapansin. napa hayy nalang ako. akala mo nga wala akong pakialam sa kanya pero ang totoo, ayoko talaga ng ganun kami. -_-

Nasa iisang table lang kami at kinakausap niya si Ninh about sa Science work requirement namin. Narinig ko nanaman yung pangalan ko. Hindi pa ako nakakagat ng Souvlaki ko eh nainis na ako. Nagalit ako sa kanya. Minsan napupundi na ako sa sobrang pagkaimmature niya at hindi pagkakaintindi, nung time na yun, i took back all the words and all the feelings na naramdaman ko. At ang sagot niya sa 'kin?

"FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT"

minura ko siya sa tagalog sa sobrang inis ko sabay kain. Tama yan cha, idaan sa pagkain.

Merong nagbigay ng sobre tungkol sa Good friday offering, yung grupo namin eh nagdecide na magbigay ng tig 50 cents bawat isa. Nagbigay ako ng 1 dollar, pero nainis ako kasi nga siya ang may hawak at sinabihan pa ako na hindi nila kailangan ng tulong ko. Tss. . gusto kong mainis nanaman sa kanya, pero instead, mas sinampal ko pa sa mukha ko na wala talaga akong kwentang tao dahil hindi ako kasing tigas ng iba. gusto kong maiyak pero hindi ko 'to ginawa, sasabihan lang niya akong iyakin at ayoko yun. Sa simpleng away na 'to walang dapat ikaiyak. masakit na ang dibdib ko. ayoko talaga ng ganun.

Nagpalit na rin kami ng locks, pinasabi pa niya kay Annie na sabihin sa 'kin. nung nagbell, saka ko lang pinalit. iniwan kong nakaopen. at syempre nagalit siya sa kin dahil bakit ko daw iniwang bukas. sabi ko nalang, nandun na siya nung umalis ako ng lockers. Masyado na akong badtrip sa kanya. hayy.

Nung inayus namin ni Ninh yung table namin, tinabi pa namin yung isang table para sa kanya, pero lumipat din siya nung nakabalik siya sa room kaya hindi nalang namin pinansin[o ako lang siguro, kasi alam kong ganun siya].

+++

Eto na nga ang time nung kinausap na kami ng english teacher namin after ng klase, tinanong niya yung issue na ayaw ko daw makipag group sa activity. Inexplain ko na sabi ko eh pwede naming gawin yun sa sarili namin, pero option lang naman yun. at syempre nakikita ko nanaman ang pagiging ewan niya na parang babae lang na gaga.

"He was kinda like a bully". nagtapat ako sa guro. inexplain ko kung bakit, na bully siya sa pag iisnab niya at pamimilosopo niya sa 'kin. Masyado na daw na disappoint ang teacher namin sa kanya[which is somewhat not really had any connections sa dispute namin since buong araw na siyang nagmomock around at hindi nakikinig.]. Pinagsabihan lang siya. Tapos lumabas siya sa pintuan ng padabog at galit na galit. Nagaantay nga doon ang 10A at tinatawag siyang 'loser'. Nairita ako sa kanila, gustuhin ko mang lapitan siya pero alam kong walang mangyayari, nakita ko naman na tinaas niya ang gitnang daliri niya at alam kong hindi para sa kin yun kundi sa mga tumatawag sa kanya na loser.

Alam kong kinwento niya sa mga iba naming kaklase yung nangyari, ewan ko kung anong reaction nila, negative man o hidni, desidido ako na hindi magandang comments yun. minsan talaga hindi ko rin gusto yung maging loner.

Dahil ako'y mahilig ng magulat eh hanggang ngayon eh gulat pa rin ako.

Nung Science time kasi, nagconcentrate nalang ako sa pagtapos sa Sose Work na dapat tapusin bukas. dahil sa wala naman akong Sose book, hindi ko na nagawa yung 3 questions na natitira.

Tinawag ni Sione si Ninh, isang malaking himala, kasi alam kong nagalit si Sione kay Ninh dahil sa Science work na yan, pero ewan ko, siguro ako lang talaga ang kagalit niya. Pero hindi ko talaga maintindihan kung bakit bigla niya akong tinawag at lumipat daw ako sa harapan niya, ewan ko talaga. pinalipat din niya si Ninh, pero dahil hindi naman kinuha ni Ninh yung gamit niya, tumayo nalang ako at lumapit. Palagay ko kasi kelangan niya talaga ng tulong dahil yun naman ang sinasabi niya magmula kanina.

The next thing i know, ako na ang tumulong sa kanya sa lahat, iniwan ba naman ako ni Ninh. Pero mukhang okay lang sa kanya, ewan ko ba, talagang tahimik lang siya habang pinapakinggan niya ako tapos go lang siya ng go sa inaanswer niya. hindi namin natapos lahat, pero isang category nalang at tapos na nga siya.

Weird. Ewan ko sa kanya, LOL.

Natawa pa ako nung tinatanong sa kin ng english teacher namin kung ok na daw ba kami, natawa ako nung nilagay niya sa journal entry ni sione na 'be nice to cha'.

haha anu ba yan.

Pero gusto ko lang na mabalik ulit sa dati kinabukasan. wish ko lang. namimiss ko kasi talaga yung magkasama kami talaga eh.

uu. minsan pala namimiss ko din yun.

Friendster Account[isang mahabang CHISMAX]

2008-03-12T16:45:00.004+11:00

Kung ako'y naging kaibigan niyo na sa friendster, masyado bang nakakapagtaka kung sino AC DC?

OO. Wala na akong clue na ibibigay pa, bahala kayong makagetz kung anu ang sinabi k sa taas. basta ako, yun na yun. lol.

Balak kong magdelete ng account sa friendster, pinagisipan ko na 'to nung mga nakaraang araw at naisip ko na mabuti nalang din na ganun nalang. Pero sa huli eh hindi ko nalang din tinuloy dahil nagmakaawa ang isang kaibigan mula sa pinas na wag nalang daw tanggalin kasi sayang daw ang numero ng mga kumentong binigay ko sa kanya. Wala namang mangyayari kaya hindi ko nga cinancel, pero kung makikita niyo ang profile na yun, ewan ko lang kung makilala niyong akin yun.

Ang gabundok na koleksyon ng mga litrato ko eh binura ko sa ilang click ng mouse ko. Pinalitan ko na ang layout ko na sobrang nabulok na doon. Ang napakadami kong kumento na halos lumagpas na ng 1000 eh pinabura ko na sa isang kaibigan at kay paderr teej. sabihin na nating sayang pero ganun talaga, kelangan kong burahin yun. at kung makikita mo ang profile ko eh walang kalaman laman maliban nalang sa private photos, yung mga required blanks sa accounts at sa mga kaibigan ko doon na ubod ng dami.

At kung bakit ako umalis?

Hindi na ako magdedeny since alam naman ng lahat na hindi lang simpleng "wala lang" ang dahilan ko.

*Ayoko na ng marami. sa 647 na kaibigan ko doon[nagbawas ako ng 2] na halos hindi pa kumakalahati sa mga iyon ang mga taong mismong kilala ko, hindi ko rin maiwasan na makaramdam ng kag_g_han sa sarili dahel never ko atang napindot ang 'no' button sa bawat friend request na nakukuha ko maliban nalang nung kahapon. Napansin ko din na dumadami na ang bilang ng mga taong nagvview ng profile ko at dumadami na rin ang bilang ng mga taong nagiinvite sa kin na hindi ko naman kilala at wala namang connection sa 'kin. Sa hindi ko malamang rason, ako'y biglang na-insecure.

*May iniiwasan daw ba ako? sinoo daw?!

Oo. ako'y may iniiwasan, at kung sino man siya, hindi na yun mahalaga dahil iniiwasan ko nga siya. getz niyo na siguro pero kung hindi pa rin eh basahin niyong maigi. Ang taong yun eh nakilala ko lang sa friendster, hindi siya masamang tao actually, mabait naman, pero sa kabila nun eh nakaramdam ako ng goosebump o insecurity habang kausap ko siya. Sabayan mo pa ng mga katagang, "patingin naman ng cam mo..." o "may mic ka ba?" at "what is love?"

ampota naman, may dictionary naman sa internet, bakit tinanong pa sa 'kin!?

hindi ko alam kung nangiinsulto ba siya or what, pero sa totoo lang, hindi naman ako mapipikon kung sabihan niyo ako ng mataba dahel mataba naman talaga ako[at nangangayayat, bwahaha]. Nung unang beses niya akong sinabihan nun eh okay lang naman sa kin, pero bigla akong nabwisit at napuno sa mga banat niyang "ang ganda ganda mo..ang taba taba pa"

Hindi naman ako SOBRANG taba. wag mo namang isampal sa 'kin na baboy ako >:(

tapos lagi niyang binabanat sa kin sa tuwing kakain na ako na pakabusog lang daw ako para tumaba ako lalo. pffft. Bumanat pa siya na mukha daw akong 17. okay lang yun pero sabihan naman daw ako na bagay ko daw yun na mukha akong matanda.

Kaya ayun at nagappear offline ako sa kanya at nilagay ko siya sa ignore list ko sa ym, dinelete ko ang 2 accounts niya sa friendster ko at iniba ko ang featured friends ko. Bahala siya as buhay niya. basta binuksan niya ang mata kong nagpipikit-pikitan

*Nagbabawas ng potential lovelife[ISANG MALAKING CHENES:p]

Wala. As in wala akong balak magkaron ng lovelife. Kaya ko na rin iniiwasan ang taong tinutukoy ko sa taas eh dahil na rin sa nakaramdam ako na gusto niyang magkaroon ng lovelife at baka sakaling pwede ako. Pero bago pa niya gawin yun eh uunahan ko na siya at tinype ko na ang id niya sa ignore list. Kung kaibigan niyo na ako sa isa kong account eh makikita niyong bilang ang mga pangalan ng mga lalaki dun, madali lang naman magdelete dahil konti lang ang number ng mga kaibigan ko dun. hindi pa ako bitter. kagaya ng sinabi ko, ayoko ng lovelife, at habang tumatagal eh hidni ko rin naman maitatangging madami ng nagaaya sa 'kin ONLINE.

Sa opinion ng tulad kong nanggaling lang sa Online Relationship na yan eh isa lang ang masasabi ko: Walang kasiguraduhan at walang katotohanan. Okay lang naman sa 'kin ang ganito noon, pero sabi nga nila, wala ng mas hihigit pa sa mga totoong karanasan. No offence sa mga nasa sitwasyon na ito. Hindi naman sa walang katotohanan talaga, but look, pwedeng totoo at pwede ring hindi ang mga sinasabi niya sayo, pero panu mo malalaman kung anu ba ang totoo? that's for you to find out.

*gusto ko ng matinong buhay.

At oo, yun na yun. sobrang haba na pala ng ginawa ko. XD

MGA BABAETANG TRAYENG HARD.

2008-03-11T21:10:00.003+11:00

Sa ilang beses na pagkakataon ngayong araw na 'to, napataas ako ng kilay. sa sobrang taas hindi ko alam kung pantay na ba ulet ang mga mata ko ngayon. May nabasa kasi ako ngayon ngayon lang na isang comment mula sa isang blog na sinabi sa 'kin ng isang kaibigan. Meron kasing pinost dun yung isa niyang kakilala tungkol sa kanya, at mejo nainsulto naman si kaibigan at si ako sa isang komento tungkol dun.

"ilang beses ko na binigay ang pag-ibig at katawan ko sa yo pero ilang beses mo na ring tinaggihan at sa [insertnamehere] na yan eh nababaliw ka?..sampung paligo ang lamang ko jan,,maniwala ka at walang halong pagyayabang…di ko alam kung kelan mo ko matututunang mahalin…hanggang kelan??"

Inedit ko ang ibang salita dahil medyo censored.

Natawa talaga ako ng nabasa ko 'to. at may kasama pa siyang picture para lang iprove na mas karapat dapat siya ang nasa entry na yan at hindi ang kaibigan ko.

ISA SIYANG MALAKING EWAN!.

"masyadong desperada" ika nga ng kaibigan ko. eh sa maniwala man kayo at sa hindi, SOBRA SOBRA ang pagkadesperada niya. as in SOBRA. Hindi ko talaga maintindihan kung bakit ganun yun makapagreact sa isang entry sa blog, kung ganun niya kagusto yung lalaking yun na gumawa ng entry, hindi na niya dapat ininsulto si kaibigan. kung ganun siya kaganda sana pinatulan na siya noon pa, at kung totoo ngang sampung paligo ang lamang niya sa kaibigan ko, baka sa sobrang linis niya eh naging sabon nalang siya at nalusaw sa sobrang dulas niya.

Naisip nga namin na baka kaya ganun yung makapagreact dahil gusto din niya na may ganung entry tungkol sa kanya. kaya nga eto, ginawan ko siya ng entry! makatawag pansin pa nga itech, eto ata ang gusto niya, makatawag pansin ng mga tao. LMFAO.

Wag kasi siyang trayeng hard, sa mukha[kung totoo man na siya yung nasa picture] niyang iyon, madaming lalaki[at hindi lang bloggers] ang magkakandarapa sa kanya. Pero sige, dahel mabait ako, sasabihin ko nalang na masyado siyang martyr at ginagaya lang ako. Pero ang kaibahan nga lang, hindi ako naghahabol o nagpapakita ng kahit anu sa 'kin para pikutin ang taong napupusuan ko. naghihintay ako ng tamang panahon, at titigil lamang ako pag hindi ko na kaya at alam kong wala ng patutunguhan. Hindi ako mangmang para ipamukha sa kanya na kaya ko siyang bigyan ng "sarap" at "ligaya" dahil kaya ko naman talaga[o sige na, lahat tayo kaya! LOL].

Basta, babae, kung ako sayo, tama na. wag masyadong trayeng hard. sayang naman yung plastic surgery este yung maganda mong mukha. XP

Before i go to sleep.

2008-03-10T23:26:00.002+11:00

Those things that had happened to me today. As much as i want to share it, but i can't. Maybe when i'm prepared to tell everyone. i'll keep it to myself for a moment. sometimes, all cheery people grew sad.

DRAMA GALORE x.x

2008-03-10T12:06:00.002+11:00

div class=widget links.

WAAAAAAA.

ayoko na. naiistress na ako! sinayang ko ang ilang oras ng beauty sleep ko para lang ayusin 'tong blog ko. 3am,2:50am....at kagabi, hallelujah nalang at 1:30 pa ako nakatulog. Ngayon, di lang ang blog ko ang problema ko, PATI NA RIN ANG LUMALALANG EYE BAGS KO.

Inayus ko na nga ang blog ko pero may kulang pa rin. may mali pa rin. hindi ko sinasabing gusto ko ng perfection, gusto kong makuntento, pero hindi talaga ako kuntento, may isang sulok ng blog na ito na kailangang ayusin.

Aaminin ko naman na amature ako, kaya nga andami kong pinupuntahan para may matutunan ako. Gusto kong matuto, pero hindi ko na ata kaya dahil ginagawa ko lang 'to mag isa. Kagaya nalang noon nung isa pa akong mistulang bata na masyadong curious sa HTML. Ayaw akong turuan ng kuya kasi bata pa daw ako. anu nga bang alam ng isang 12 taong gulang na bata sa mga body backgrounds, font color, div class at mga hypertext mark-up language codes? WALA. Walang wala. Sinubukan kong matuto pero dahil nawalan ako ng pagasa, tumigil ako.

So mawawalan nanaman ba ako ng pag asa?

WAG SANA DIBA?

nakasalalay dito ang career ko.

Sleepyhead's Rant.

2008-03-10T01:43:00.002+11:00

I'm so sleepy and i just have to be quick.

there should be no problem by now, i got it all under control. I even got my heads all high just to edit this one again. Probably i should be starting to finish my homework on English tomorrow, it's only a video making stuff. A little bit effects and it's all done. lol. yea, that's how easy my life is doing in school. lol.

Lists of what should be done SOON(no specific dates, of course):
-Wordpress layout. I don't like the readymade. i know[arte ko. lol]
-CATTLEYA. my readers had been ranting on me.
-Nicole's blog layout. i'll do it on holidays, lmao:p
-Decent post. ASAP
-page ranking. eg, technorati
-pay per post plans.
-STUDYING.
-domain.:p

I have to sleep. i'm just sleeping over at my cousin's home. He's in the hospital so i have to stay in so that his wife is not alone[yeah, his wife can't stay in the hospital. that's the rule].

it's 1:52am now, not so bad.

OH MY GOD: i didn't visit lunatic forum today T___T

^that's odd. really. haha

YM STAT: I don't hate love, maybe i just don't want to love knowing it wouldn't last...

BUHBYE. REALLY.

READ THIS.

2008-03-09T03:13:00.002+11:00

After several millennium, i finally finished my oh-so-not-cool website. nyahaha, and i still got problems out of it, i'll check it out again later. It's 3am! Meanwhile, comment me in this entry if you wanna say somethng random or whatever, your just as welcome as ever[but that doesn't mean you have to play stupid.]

anyway, [i got problems, i'll put them on the sidebar later]

ZOMG! would like to thank the following:

Brushes:

Fonts:

DaFont

Images:

Layout:

Just me. lol.

Blog Name:

Nostalgic_xoxo of Lunatic forum

Scrap Materials:

ShabbyPrincess

Chatbox[will be shown later.lol]:

Cbox

Tutorials:

NEWS: stay tune for my wordpress site. still under construction.

Bonding with sister.

2008-03-08T01:25:00.004+11:00

Although i slept at like 3am in the morning, i still had to get up early 'coz i had to send this letter my dad gave me before 10. Supposedly i shouldn't have to hang out in the mall with my sister Lyka, but my loving mother who reasoned out that my sister doesn't even know anything outside because I don't let her hang out with me. tsss. i haven't been out for like ages either!

I didn't mind. not at all. maybe because i'm more comfortable with her than our little sister. we drop the letter to the post, then we have to go home first and wait for my brother to take a bath and we'll eat lunch[which by the way, took us like forever]. He didn't even gave us any allowance, lol.

Who says we only did window shopping?[though apparently that's the only thing i've been doing since i don't wanna spend my money buying the wrong clothes. haha]. We were just looking around in Target when i got remembered that our mom's birthday is near. We suddenly got the idea of buying her a gift. lol. i still got 50 bucks and a credit card, not so bad. lol.

take a look:

I make the laugh out of everything. lol. she can't stop laughing at me. haha.

It's gonna be TOP SECRET as to what we're gonna give mom. anyway, it's gonna be 8 days from now before her bday:p

we stop by at starbucks. lol. i know i know, not for kids like her. but she didn't want to eat. so i bought a hazelnut chocolate, a custard donut and a cup of water for her[that's what she wants, really], we rested and we even argue if the plate should be given to the counter or just leave it alone. lol. how silly. XD

we took the bus and got home. i spend almost all my money and im tired. but it's pretty much worth it since i got much closer to my sister than before. we even decided to sleep in one bed and let our little sister to sleep on her own bed because we're gonna remove the other bed to have a space for our study table. lol

If there's something that i learned for today, that is:

I sure am crazy. but definitely IS my sister:p

short classes:p

2008-03-05T19:25:00.002+11:00

aha aha, natawa talaga ako ngayon.

I woke up like 8:30 in the morning. actually mas maaga pa dun, naririnig ko kasi si kuya na nagtatanong kay faty kung bakit hindi siya papasok and all that stuff, tanong siya ng tanong sa kanya tapos sabi siya ng sabi na 'sasamahan ka ni cha? babalik ba si cha dito?'. panu ako babalik eh nandito pa ako sa kama?! LMAO! i heard the doorbell and i knew it was Tommy. I heard my brother asking if he wants to go late or whatever. I just decided to get up and see what's happening. I pass by the door where my bro and Tommy were talking and i told my bro that there's no classes until afternoon. I wanna laugh when i saw him wearing his uniform and soo much ready to go to school:p[but i didn't because im too tired].

I ended up doing nothing in the morning, i was too tired. i did the laundry and just do some stuff. natawa pa ako nung dumating ako sa school and we're like 6 people in the room! 2 year 10s and 4 year 11s. natatawa ako pero okay lang, nakagawa din kami ng mabuti at this period, wala ba naman yung mga pasaway eh, sinong hindi matutuwa? haah. pero ang tahimik. ang init pa. pinalitan ko yung slacks ko ng black shorts. tapos nag doll shoes nalang ako. ansakit sa paa, lol. leather na nga mahaba pa yung kuko ko, lol.

After less than 1 hour ata umuwi na ako. what da hell. hahaa

OH.MY.GOD.

2008-03-04T17:37:00.004+11:00

ilang beses ko na ba 'tong nasabi?!

grabeh. grabeh. grabeh.

i can't count. i really can't. sa sobrang dami ng nangyari eh parang...wala na akong magagawa kundi magulat sa mundo. lol.

first OH MY GOD: natatawa ako sa slacks ko. i remember when i first got it eh okay lang. hindi naman maluwang. hindi rin masikip[o masikip nga?]. nung mga nakaraang araw, i felt weird. lalo na nung mismong araw na to. sumasayad na yung slacks ko, bigla akong natakot, OH MY GOD, LUMILIIT AKO?!

but in the end binatukan ko lang yung sarili ko and said that im getting skinny:p

second OH MY GOD: I CAN'T THINK OF ANY BETTER COURSE! I was talking to Jye about different courses that might brought my attention. I was really...STUCK. He explained stuff about system administration, computer related fields[that will never be erased in the discussion], economics[weh? lol], accounting, marketing field, and chemistry. so far im still pretty sure im getting one from these courses: Computer science, Administration and Psychology. but OH MY GOD, this is one hell crazy world! x.x

third OH MY GOD: we got mr maliniuk again!!!!!!!!!!!! yay baybeh yay! sobra namang ikina-ohmygod ko yun. panu ba naman wala ng mabilis-magsalita-pero-hindi-mo-magetz na guro, lol. but i'll be honest, i like the former teacher, pero ayoko lang talaga yung accent niya, i mean pwede namang dahan dahan, pero wag ng mabilis, yung laway niya tumatalsik na ata tapos wala ka pang magetz:p

but OH MY GOD pa rin. LMFAO.

fourth OH MY GOD: i know na mababaw lang 'to but still....I GOT MY NAME @ CHITCHAT on CANDYMAG! kc(p!nk) of teentalker told me na nabasa daw niya sa chitchat page, hindi nga daw masyadong kita pero pag nakita mo nandun daw id ako. BWAHAHAHA, akalain mo ba naman na kahit inactive ako dun nasa magazine pa rin ako. LMFAO. i remembered the teentalk awards, i'll never win the most active category since inactive na ako sa teentalk(eh isa lang naman kalaban ko dun noh, bwahaha. sayang but i can't be bothered(sure i want to be famous but im not interested anymore, it just...sucks. siraan ka pa eh, lol.

fifth and final OH MY GOD: i can't explain. lol. as in.

I actually have seen Ate Rich(fallen_angel21 of lunatic forum) in person! seriously, when i first saw her avvie on luna i thought she looks familiar, hindi ko na nga lang pinansin eh, pero GOD! nung nalaman ko na taga angeles siya, mas lalo akong kinutuban na nakita ko na siya. AS IN! nakita niya yung camaddict thread ko, and guess what? we both have the same answer to each other..."YOU LOOK FAMILIAR!"

i was like oh my god! XD

i added her in friendster and so far, she is the longest connection i ever had!

click on the images for enlarged version, masyadong malaki eh.

see? andami! XD.

small world nga naman oh, lol. one thing is for sure: OH MY GOD! lmfao

a little something in the end.

2008-03-03T16:16:00.004+11:00

I slept late last night. lol. well i finished my one page essay for my cooking class and a poster for my humanities class. Apparently, we're still doing a presentation even though Ms Croser has left us and Ms Nowell(my computer arts teacher last year) is taking over. Before i start rushing in things i got a 'little tutorial' from ina inahin Gracie about the animation pallete and this is what i got:

dyaraaaan! magic diba? :p

the next day i got one of my eyes go red. lol.

oh we did cooking again! It's chocolate macaroon with a coconut flavor. I'm so thankful i finished it early because i'm always slow and i usually finish exactly when the bell goes or pretty much longer than that. lol. it crumbled on the way home so this is what i could show everyone:

MASARAP YAN! wag kayong aangal:p

QUICK ANNOUNCEMENT: no classes in Wednesday morning due to teacher's strike.

^actually we still had to attend the period 5 and 6 class. I got Year 11 IT anyway so it's all cool.

but one things not cool: i got my legs sore from kickball game. i don't know why, i kicked the ball and i run, i felt the pain but i just ignored it and run again. after making 2 homes, i got kicked out from the game because of the friggin new rule about the distance of the ball to be kicked. When i tried to seat...it just..hurt. i can't stand properly and i swear, the pain is like hell. Walking home is like a death march. the pain is really getting me over. i nearly cried when i tried standing up and do stuffs. hopefully i'll be fine by tomorrow. i guessss.

Little something: What do you think is the reason of talking to someone who is used to be one of your close friends but something came up and that, the person decided to stop talking to you? but after all that, you still chose to talk to the person. what's it about?

sagutin mo lang. lol.

I got my CS3:p

2008-03-01T18:58:00.005+11:00

Masyado akong natuwa kahapon nung tinanggap yung serial number at nagkaroon na ako ng full version ng Adobe Photoshop CS3 Extended. Credits pala kay bluejayz23 ng lunatic forum sa pagtulong[or sa pagbigay ng mga kailangan ko para mainstall siya:p]. Masyado kitang inistorbo habang nagtatrabaho ka. LOL.

I tried to take some tutorials para naman may malaman ako since matagal na rin nung nagkaron ako ng CS3 na trial version pa nga lang. tumingin naman ako sa youtube pero dahil sa poor video quality, inantok ako sa panunuod. though na amaze ako sa pagpalit ng eye color ng isang picture. lumipat na nga lang ako sa veoh. mejo may natutunan din naman ako. paalis na ako nung ginawa ko 'to:

sinunod ko lang yung ginagawa nila sa blending modes, sa susunod lalagyan ko na ng kulay yan. hintayin niyo lang, magiging magic na:p

REMNANTS OF LATE SUMMER.

2008-02-28T16:29:00.007+11:00

there are--

wait. stop. refresh. i don't really think i have to be formal like this :P

Ang Lamig. naman, parang kulang nalang maging yelo ang kamay ko habang nagttype ka. bukas palang naman magsisimula ang autumn pero kahapon pa lang nilalamig na ako kahit naka woolen jumper uniform na 'ko. mas lalo ko pang pinagsisihan na wag magsuot ng long sleeve kanina and daymn, i suffered the whole time outside shivering.

but anyway, nagluto kami ng pastry kanina. ooh lala, love the smell of my food, lol. lalo na yung nilagyan ko ng icing on top. waaa. i'm soo tempting to eat it. kaya lang hindi ko nga kinain kasi i was thinking of taking it home. nilagay ko siya sa locker and nakalimutan kong picturan. kaya eto lang ang maipapakita ko sa inyo:

i know i know. namalat na. argh. yung icing nawala na rin, pero nung bagong luto siya sabi pa ng teacher ko masarap daw kainin. haha. magluluto nanaman kami sa monday kasi walang pasok sa friday[WAHAHA] and i think it's macaroni or macaroon. lol. I decided na istore muna sa fridge yung iluluto ko para naman sa pagkauwi ko eh hindi magiging katulad ng sa picture sa taas, lol.

ONE HECK OF A NEWS: My humanities teacher[or my terror adviser last year] is NO LONGER our teacher. XD. magtuturo na daw siya ng year 12 VCAL[victoria certificate and applied learning]. ewan ko ba pero mejo nalulungkot, siguro kasi nasanay ako sa kanya. Nawala lang yung lungkot na yung nung sumisigaw nanaman siya:P. natawa nga ako kasi kami pa ang nag arrange ng chairs at tables para sa program nila. lol. tawa nalang ako, akala ko nakita ko kapatid ko sa room na yun. weh. mga classmates lang niya...na kilala ako. :p

and OH! i got a pen![ambabaw:p]. kagabi ko pa kasi kinukulit si Ninh, ang ganda kasi ng pen niya eh, sarap isulat[haha], nagpapalit pa nga kami ng pen para lang magamit yun. XD. he said na meron pa daw siyang ganun na pen sa bahay[since available lang daw sa Vietnam yung pen na yun[oh diba susyalin? :P]. sabi niya sa kin kagabi bayaran ko daw siya, pero guess what? kinabukasan sabi niya libre nalang daw. XD.

it's more of a simple pen pero swear, masarap siyang isulat :x.

ISYU: nakita ko lang si lalaki na nakayakap kay babae nung papunta ako ng lockers. napansin[o nawitness] ko naman kung panu sinagot ni babae si lalaki. pero yung kaibigan lang naman ni babae yung nagsabi kay lalaki na "yes". eh malay ko ba kung anung yes yun. basta ang alam ko magkatabi na sila lagi hanggang sa lumantad na, ayiiii:x. FYI: hindi ako selos[inggit lang kasi single:p]. lol. trip ko lang ikwento. XD

TOTOONG ISYU: bakit ba pag close ka sa lalaki nabibigyan ng issue? as in natatawa ako sa kanila. last subject na namin at may substitute kami dahil wala si mr. faulkhead. nakikinig lang ako sa music, at dahil sa sawang sawa na ako sa mga music minove ko na yung upuan ko sa tabi ni Sione na nakasandal lang at nakikinig sa music. may pinakita lang siyang video, tawanan lang kami, tapos biglang umeksena yung kaklase ko.

"Charity, are you and Sione together?"

LAUGH MY FUCKEN ASS YOW.

first of all, i COULD NOT think or imagine ME and MY BESTFRIEND to be TOGETHER. hindi ko siya kinakahiya noh, syempre, kasi kahit saang anggulo mo tignan, bestfriends lang talaga kami. i don't really get it why some people give malice aforethought about our actions. nung minsan nga na pinatong niya yung gamit nya sa gamit ko na nakalagay lang sa may connected connectedpipe dahil iinom kami pareho, dumating agad yung teacher kaya nagmadali kaming bumalik, binuhat na niya pareho yung gamit namin since nakapatong lang at nagmamadali nga kami. pagpasok namin bigla nanamang humirit sila:

"oh that's sweet of you, you held charity's books"

OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

i really can't see what they see about us. i really don't. tss. kasalanan ko ba kung siya lang at si Ninh ang matinong kasama kesa sa kanila? I soo love them both as bestfriends. no more, no less.

and that ends summer, tomorrow si autumn na:p

Teh piyutsur of a devangel.

2008-02-27T20:55:00.000+11:00

I'm confused....with the future.

Seeing my life right now, i thought that i was still young. i'm still in year 10. I'M 14. but i looked on other directions and i realized that i'm young...but im old enough to decide something i'll be doing for the rest of my life.

I'm turning 15[legal age to work] on june, i have to get a work experience on a job somewhere on july and probably...well if i could insist my parents, i might look for a part time job. i thought that even if i had this work experience, it's no use if i'm not gonna look for a real job. so yea, i need to find a job.

Somewhere within this semester(or this year), i have to decide on which subjects i will take up for year 11 or VCE[Victorian Certificate Education, teka yun nga ba? :lol:]. and because i'm gonna be in uni[university], i have to pick the required subjects to the course that i'll be taking up once i got into uni. now i really have to think about it. I was pretty sure im getting computer science but then when i tried a career choice test, i got a pretty high score in administration, well it goes like it's the only category with a score. From then on it felt like i don't feel like going to my preferred course and wanna try something different. I kind of forgot about that for awhile but there was a topic in our table that let me realize that i'm about to enter a decision making for myself and for the rest of my life.

I caught a glimpse of the picture of Sione's sister in his phone then i asked him about how she's doing and if she's going to uni. He said she goes to uni[dunno with the course but i think it was foodtech], i ask him if he's coming to uni after year 12, he said "no, i'm going TAFE". The next thing i know, me, Jye and Annie were talking about courses and universities.

"You have to decide now 'coz there are required subjects in every course when you go to uni" Jye explained.

It kinda freaks me out when i realized how fast the time is ticking and how fast a year could past in this country. it felt like i'll wake up the next day, i finished year 12 and i'm now off to uni. [2 years from now by the way].

the rest of the time, Jye is talking to me while doing his work in business management 'coz he sooo knew so much stuffs. He told me that he thinks that IT is getting boring, because when he finally learned php and was actually became php scriptist, he got bored of it and he realized that it was only for personal learning. How you just got stuck in the computer all day, he mean, HOW BORING IS THAT? WHERE'S THE FUN?

but in the end, his advice was that, i had to go on what i love to do and not the EASIEST course to do[since another reason of mine of getting comp sci is because it was easy :P].

so in the end, im still confused about it.

Moving On

2008-02-25T19:56:00.000+11:00

There are times when you can't just say a thing. sometimes you just want to breakdown and cry your heart out. There is one emotion in this world that makes your heart squeezed in its complication and the fact that it could make your heart wounded.

It's just not about ignoring the pain, but letting the pain run over you. it hurts from the start but someday you'll wake up and realize that you just closed that chapter from the past.

I'm waiting for that moment. Where i can wake up in bed without those ugly glimpse of what ifs. of course i'm still hurt, it's been...well it's been 24 hours since that happened but you know, sometimes when you love, you always hold back even if you were telling yourself to stop. How you want to blame the hell to yourself for loving. but i admit...for short period of time, of course i felt happiness back when we were together, and how i wish it could still work out but no. it's all over and yeah,

maybe it was so much of an ending.

"masakit na!" -ako.

2007-08-28T23:26:00.000+10:00

"Lahat ng Storya may happy endings. Maraming nagsasabi na hindi matatapos ang storya sa isang trahedya, lahat ng bagay eh matatapos ng masaya, na parang bahaghari pagkatapos ng ulan. At parang pagbukang liwayway pagkatapos ng paglubog ng araw. Sa storya ng buhay natin, dagsaan ang problema. Kesyo maliit man yan o sobrang malaki na parang napaka imposible ng solusyunan, nagbibigay naman 'to ng aral para sa 'tin. Kung nabigo man tayong maabot ang bagay na gusto natin, siguro hindi talaga para sa 'tin yun. Nagkamali man tayo, pwede naman tayong matuto sa mga pagkakamaling yun para sa susunod na maulit ulit yung sitwasyon na yun, kahit papano makakatulong sa 'tin yung naranasan natin noon para makagawa ng mas magandang desisyon. "

-Ako. 29-08-07(12:14 am)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Sa totoo lang, masaya ako at nakausap ko siya. Hindi man bakas sa mukha ko ngayon pero alam kong tumatalon ang puso ko sa tuwa. Pero alam mo ba kung anong malungkot? kung anong pwedeng kahinatnan naming dalawa.

Naranasan ko na yung moment na pinagmumura ako at sinabihang "mang-aagaw". Alam ko kung gano kasakit makarinig o makabasa. Makasalanan siguro talaga ako, tatanga-tanga pa nga talaga. Ex lang ako noon pero bakit nga ba ako humahabol sa taong...may bago na? Ewan ko kung nagpapakag*ga ako at umaasa ako na baka may 2nd chance pa sa 'min. Kasi inamin niya na mahal pa niya ako, pero guess what? sa huli, yung gf niya nun ang pinili niya. Lahat ng masasakit na salita sinubukan kong iendure basta makasama ko lang siya. Pero ano nga bang nangyari? sa huli naging tanga lang ako at tinapon ko lahat ng pag asa ko sa 2nd chance na napagtanto kong hindi pala uso sa totoong buhay. Na akala ko pag sinubukan kong umasa, mgiging masaya ako...pero kabaligtaran pala, halos hindi ko na alam kung pano ko ibubuhos lahat ng lungkot ko para lang mawala yung sakit na namumuo sa dibdib ko, pakiramdam ko nun para akong may sakit sa puso pero hindi malaman kung panu gamutin hindi dahil may defect sa puso ko, kundi pawang imagination lang ang mga sugat doon...pero totoo yung sakit.

Ngayon, napapaisip na ako ng husto..dahil pag tinuloy ko yung namagitan sa 'ming dalawa, hindi madaling iendure lahat. Dahil parang lahat na ata ng hadlang sa isang storya eh nandito na, at parang kulang nalang eh lunurin ka na sa dami nito... malapit na rin kaming humantong sa phrase na "history repeats itself". yun nga lang, sa ibang pagkakataon at sa mas kumplikadong paraan. hindi lang basta problema ito ng isang teenager, dahil pag nagdesisyon ka, iririsk mo yung mga susunod na taon sa future ng wala siya o paghahandaan mo na ang pwedeng mangyari sa inyong dalawa kung napili mong lumaban sa nararamdaman niyo. 14 palang ako, nagmumukha na tuloy akong gurang dahil sa bwisit na problema na 'to. 14 palang, may issue na about kasalan. o di ba? hindi ko talaga masabi dito kung ano ang buong storya dahil hindi pa ako handang mag open up, sa ngayon gusto ko lang sabihin ang nararamdaman ko kasi hindi ko na rin matiis kaya dinadaan ko lang sulat. At sana lang...nakatulong 'to.

.17.

-Till my heartache ends-

2007-08-14T21:53:00.000+10:00

On the other side of whatever, makikita mo yung mga bagay na hindi mo siguro aakalain na malalaman mo. At para sa 'kin, though people have been calling me a cheerful or hyperactive person, but guess what? i was an Emo.

::and i can't help it if i am::

(-_-)

i recall
when you said that you will never leave me
it told me more
so much more like when the time you whispered
in my ear
there was heaven in my heart
i remember when you said that you'd be here forever

Akala ko, nung sinabi mo sa 'kin na mahal mo ako, i thought that was something na pwede kong panghawakan habang buhay...yung pagmamahal na galing sayo, at kahit sino man sa mundong ito ay walang makakapagbigay. Pakiramdam ko nun, kahit wala ako sa langit...kung kasama naman kita, para na rin akong nasa paraiso. Nakakabaliw yung bawat tinig ng boses mo...feeling ko pwede na akong mawala sa kawalan.

Then you left
without even sayin' that you're leavin'
i was hurt
and it really wont be easy to forget
yesterday
and i pray that you would stay
but then you're gone and oh, so far away

Sa lahat ng tao na aalis sa buhay ko, bakit ikaw? sa dinami dami ng taong pwede namang mawala sa buhay ko ng hindi ako maapektuhan, bakit ikaw? at sa lahat ng taong pwede ko namang mahalin, bakit ang isang 'ikaw' pa na hindi rin pala magtatagal sa buhay ko? I hate you, but i hate it when i try to hate you, hindi ako naiinis o nagagalit, naluluha ako sa lungkot. Lagi akong nanalangin na sana dyan ka nalang, sana...hay, puro nalang sana! walang na bang totoo?!

i was afraid this time would come
i wasnt prepared to face this kind of hurting from with you
i have learned to live my life beside you
maybe i'll just dream of you tonight
if not into a dream you'll come and touch me once again
i'll just keep on dreamin'
till my heartache ends

akala ko kasi hindi ka na aalis, so i never thought a moment na baka mawala ka nalang bigla sa buhay ko. But then *poof*, you were walking away...1 kilometre na ang layo mo sakin. ni hindi ko man lang narealize na pwede ka palang umalis ng papalayo sa 'kin. Hindi lang isang simpleng 'pamamaalam', panghabang buhay na ang pagalis mo. Naisip ko tuloy...panaginip ka lang ba? bakit parang pagmulat ng mata ko bigla ka nalang nawala? Parang lahat ng memories na nagawa natin eh parang panaginip lang talaga. If this is only a dream...then maybe i'll just sleep forever. Baka sakaling doon, makita kita, at masaya tayong dalawa.

I'll keep on dreaming, hanggang sa handa na akong pakawalan ang pagmamahal ko sa 'yo.

.17.

Ayoko na! - ME.

2007-08-09T22:49:00.000+10:00

I'm not okay, I'm so not okay. Hindi ko alam kung pano ko ieexpress yung mga nararamdaman ko, Para akong masaya na malungkot na hindi mo maintindihan. It feels so Emo. At pakiramdam ko kung hindi ko isusulat 'to, baka sumabog na ako na parang Nuclear bomb.

My Heart is crying. Yes, it is crying. sinusubukan kong iwasan na may tumulong luha mula sa mata ko. Ayoko yun, bakit ako iiyak? yun ang lagi kong tanung, pero malalaman ko nalang yung dahilan once na tumulo ang luha ko. Mababaw ang dahilan ko, at sa totoo lang hindi yung dahilan para umiyak ako, pero ewan ko eh, parang...hindi ko na kaya... and I juz miss him so much it hurts.

Dati naman hindi ako umiiyak kung hindi man kami makakapagusap, kesyo 1 buwan pa yan eh ok lang naman sakin...pero ngayon, isang minuto lang ang lumipas parang gusto ko uli siyang makausap, gusto ko uling marinig yung boses na yun, yung boses na pinaghihirapan kong hanapin sa iba't ibang tao, yung taong hindi ko makita kahit kanino ako tumingin. Yung taong lagi nalang ako sinasaktan emotionally pag wala siya, pero in the end, it turns out na siya lang din ang makakapagpasaya sa 'kin. Ngayon na wala siya, ilang weeks lang lumipas parang tusukan na ang puso ko.

Naiintindihan ko lahat, naiintindihan ko kung bakit busy siya, lahat naiintindihan ko naman...Yun naman ang problema, naiintindihan ko, pero dahil wala siya, nangungulila naman ang puso ko. Ayoko siyang isipin, kaya lang kahit anong gawin ko tumatakbo pa rin siya sa isip ko, bakit hindi siya napapagod? sa pagtakbo niya sa utak ko, sabay ng puso ko na naghahanap sa kanya.

Hayy...I got Blurry eyes, hopefully hindi naman malabo ang paningin ko. Siguro nga iba talaga ang pakiramdam pag wala yung mahal mo. Parang ilang oras lang ang lumipas hindi mo siya matiis. Ngayon palang miss ko na siya, pano pa kaya sa mga sumunod na araw?

And there's one thing that keeps on bugging my mind, pwede kaya akong sumaya ng wala siya?

Malamang...hindi.

.17.

Promises

2007-08-04T22:39:00.000+10:00

hindi ako yung tipo ng tao na tumutupad ng pangako. Kadalasan naman eh puro napapako ang mga yun at dinadaan nalang sa limot. But on one side, gusto ko ring matutong tuparin ang kahit isa man lang sa mga napangako ko. I remember na i promised someone, na kahit anong mangyari, hindi ko siya iiwan. Nagdadalawang isip ako na sumagot ng 'OO' dahil alam kong hindi ko rin matutupad yun, but that person was one of the important part of my life.

Sinabi ko sa kanya na hindi naman ako yung tipong tumutupad ng pangako, pero kahit ano namang excuse ang gawin ko, nag iinsist siya, at ayaw pa niyang ibaba ang phone, ang nasa isip ko eh bababaan ko nalang siya pero naisip ko rin na siguro masyadong rude naman ang ganun, masyado ko na rin kasi siyang sinaktan nung mismong araw na yun. Hanggang sa huli, napapayag niya ako. ang sabi pa niya nun: "kung hindi ka marunong tumupad ng pangako, dapat magmula ngayon matuto ka na...para sa 'kin, ok ba yun?"

minsan tuloy wala akong masabi tungkol sa kanya, kasi ilang beses ko na rin siyang sinasaktan, pero eto siya ngayon, gagawin ang lahat wag lang ako mawala. gagawin ang lahat matupad lang din ang pangako niya na hindi niya rin ako iiwan. Gagawin ang lahat, wag lang akong magbago sa kanya. Eto naman ako, parang buang at hindi alam kung pano tutuparin ang pangako ko sa kanya.

There's a saying that promises are meant to be broken, pero meron din bang mga pangako na dapat tuparin?

ewan ko. hindi ko alam. as far as i know, i think i need to learn fulfilling a promise.

.17.

"I'm sick and tired!"

2007-08-02T19:29:00.000+10:00

sa buhay buhay natin, madami tyong dapat lutasin, mga bagay na mahirap...pero kailangang kayanin. mga masasayang nakaraan...na dapat kalimutan. mga masasakit na katotohanan...na dapat tanggapin. Tulad sa so called 'love' na yan...ang hirap intindihin diba? Minsan, feeling heaven. Pero heck, kadalasan masakit. hurts like hell. sabi nila parte na yan pag nagmahal kah...kelangan mo munang umiyak bago ka sumaya. pwede mong sabihin na napakadaling sabihin nyan, pero napakahirap gawin. some said "ang corny" o "ang drama naman"...pero this is reality...na kahit anung gawin moh, wala ka ng magagawa kundi tanggapin.

"Try to be strong" ika nga ng mga kaibigan mo. Pero parang kahit anung comfort ng mga tao sa paligid mo eh parang walang epekto sayo, or maybe meron...pero for a meantime lang yun. Afterwards, maalala mo nanaman ang nakaraan. kung anu pa yung maganda pinagsamahan niyo, sa huli yun din ang pinakamasakit...diba? kasi nakakamiss yung nakaraan, yung tipong ang saya saya niyo tapos hahantong sa punto na "it'z over". Ito yung masakit na katotohanan na dapat mong tanggapin. Kahit inubos mo na lahat ng pagmamahal mo sa sarili mo para lang sa taong iyon, still pag tapos, tapos na. The End. Yun ang pinakamahirap na task pag nagmahal ka, letting go...Endure the pain and move on, so easy to say right? pero ang hirap gawin. it takes Forever para lang masabi mo ng walang halong kasinungalingan na "di na kita mahal". Lalo na kung minahal mo ng sobra sobra yung taong yun, parang pakiramdam mo, isang malaking parte ng puso mo ang natangay ng taong yun. Magaling na magnanakaw, sa tingin ko. Hindi mo nga alam kung mababalik pa yung piraso na yun sayo.

While letting go, hindi naman ganun kahirap if you focus on other things, makakatulong yun para kahit pano eh makalimutan mo siya in a period of time. Pwede mong gawin yun, pero dapat maintindihan mo na isang iglap lang sa mga bagay na pinagsamahan niyo(lyk songs, places na pinupuntahan niyo lgi, etc) eh babalik lahat ng nakaraan...magmumukmok ka ulit at iiyak. sisihin mo bakit mo siya nakilala at minahal. Well di naman natin maiiwasan na mahulog, tsaka di niya ginusto yun...si God ang may gusto nun. hindi rin naman niya kasalanan kung hindi niya kayang ibalik yung pagmamahal na yun na binibigay mo. Kaya walang sisihan, mahihirapan ka lang, trust me.

Sa Binggit ng isang Paalam.

2007-08-02T19:22:00.000+10:00

Kung iisipin, pang ilang beses na ba akong nahulog? Reminscing past. nakakatuwa nga, kasi there are lot of times na lagi akong bigo...laging nasasaktan. Sa lovelife ko, mas madalas ang umiiyak kesa ngumingiti o naiinspired sa mga bagay bagay. Kadalasan mas nanaisin ko pang magpanggap na masaya kesa ipakita sa lahat na malungkot ako, iyakin naman talaga ako at wala naman akong magagawa...pero ayoko lang na makita nila akong umiiyak, ayoko kasing maawa sila dahil para akong musmos na bata na umiiyak kasi hindi nakuha ang gusto. Ayoko ring balikan ako ng taong mahal ko dahil nakakaramdam siya ng awa, kung tutuusin mas masakit yun kesa malaman mong hindi niya kayang ibalik yung pagmamahal na binigay mo. Kaya
pala mabait sayo kasi naaawa siya pag nasaktan ka niya...kala mo, the feeling's mutual pero ang totoo...hindi ka talaga niya mahal, its just that...hindi niya lang gustong masaktan ka.

Minsan nga dumarating na din ako sa point na ang lahat nalang ng ginagawa ko eh naayon sa puso ko, kaya pati kaibigan ko, nasabihan na akong "TATANGA-TANGA". i admit, tanga nga ako. kasi pumayag akong sumabit kahit alam kong hindi tama...umasa ako sa pag ibig na kelanman eh hindi ko na pwedeng makuha...gaga lang ako, paalis nako nun pero umaasa pa rin ako, binagalan ko pa ang lakad ko baka sakaling mahabol niya ako. Pero wala rin pala, kasi iba na ang tingin niya. Kaibigan na nga lang siguro...o baka hindi na rin kaibigan..maybe just a stranger. Sinubukan kong mag move on, pero bawat oras ata na wala siya eh parang mabigat na parusa na sakin...mas mabigat pa sa mga community service at sa mga afterschool detentions... isang iglap lang ng mga litrato niya eh feeling ko gusto ko ulit bumalik sa nakaraan na magkasama kami. muntikan na nga akong mabaliw sa kakaisip kung pano ko ba maalis sa puso ko yung memories namin na sa sobrang saya eh napapluha ako sa lungkot...Kung bakit pinaasa ko siya ng matagal, tapos minsan hindi ko sinasagot yung mga tanong niya kaya humahantong sa punto na nagaaway kami...pinagsisihan ko na pinalagpas ko lahat ng pagkakataon para makasama siya uli. Kulang na nga lang sabihan niya akong 'MANHID', nung nagmamakaawa na siya sa 'kin para lang balikan ko siya eh para akong gago na hindi makasagot sa mga sinasabi niya. Hanggang sa ayun, nakahanap ng iba...iniwan ako.

Pero hanggang ngayon, gusto ko mang umasa, pero desidido na akong isarado ang kapitulo ng storya na minsan may isang 'kami'. it's been 1 yr and a few months nung nangyari lahat ng yun, pero desidido na 'kong ibaon ang lahat sa limot...at ang itong katagang ito ang magpapatunay at ang pnakahuli kong sulat sa kanya...

"MINAHAL KITA"